


The Marauder Consideration

by womanaction



Series: Marauder Consideration series [1]
Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 04:12:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11200200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/womanaction/pseuds/womanaction
Summary: There is a Harry Potter costume party. Things get...complicated. Humor/friendship with a side of Sheldon/Penny. Pre-Amy. Repost from FFN - originally posted in 2012.





	1. Part One: The Preparation

It was a lovely, sunny day in Pasadena, but that did not matter at all to the protagonists of our story. Why, you may wonder? Well, they happen to be dyed-in-the-wool nerds, notoriously preferring indoors to out and online to off. This tale begins on a Thursday evening—Pizza Night. This Pizza Night was far from ordinary, however.

Howard and Raj arrived promptly at six, not wanting to face the rage of the Sheldon. It was Leonard who let them into 4A, however, and a very bemused Leonard at that. "He's in his room," he replied to the unspoken question, shoving up his glasses and glancing around furtively. "He's been kind of weird all day, I don't know."

At that instant, Sheldon emerged, his regularly immaculate hair somewhat mussed and his eyes bright. Howard groaned quietly. "What fresh hell does he have planned?" he muttered. Raj appeared to be choking on his own liver.

"Gentlemen," Sheldon said smugly, "I present my case."

"What case?" Raj asked curiously. Howard elbowed him.

"You're encouraging him," he said under his breath, rolling his eyes in an exasperated fashion. Raj held up his hands in surrender. All of this went unnoticed by Sheldon, who was embarking on his "case". He crossed to the blackboard; the three companions followed him, taking their seats and watching, wide-eyed.

"Exhibit A," he announced, holding up a blue flyer in one long-fingered hand. Leonard squinted, and read aloud.

"Harry Potter costume party...with contest...groups welcome...eight p.m. at the comic book store."

"Precisely," Sheldon said, drawing the word out and setting the flyer down on his desk as if it was a precious gem. "Gentlemen, we have attended every party function at that comic book store since we became a cohesive group."

"Except for that all-girls party," Raj put in glumly. "Stuart saw through our clever disguises and turned us away at the door."

There was a collective sigh for what might have been.

"Guys, there were only two girls that showed up," Leonard said, grinning slightly.

"That leaves one half of a girl for each of us. The ratios have been worse," Sheldon said, frowning.

"I know which half I'd want," Howard muttered, raising his thick eyebrows.

"Additionally, their costumes were horrendous, so I'm sure that we would have won the contest if Stuart hadn't  _insisted_  upon being a misandrist," Sheldon sniffed. "However, I digress. My objective was merely to inform you that we will be attending this Harry Potter costume party."

"Why are they even having a Harry Potter party? It's a  _comic book_  store," Raj wondered aloud.

"I guess so people would actually show up," Leonard said. "I mean, it's pretty popular..."

"So are we doing group costumes? I want the one with the most fangirls," Howard mused, stroking an imaginary beard. Raj snickered.

"I think that'd make you Draco Malfoy, dude."

He thought for a second. "Yeah, I could pull that off."

"Excellent question, Wolowitz," Sheldon said loudly, in a rehearsed tone. "I created a chart of organized data ranking the characters in relation to our physical resemblance to them, their in-story relations to each other, desirability of costume, and ease of creating said costume, as the party is only a little over a week away. I arrived at the conclusion that we should be..."

He paused for dramatic effect. The three looked at each other and began to hum dramatic music, louder and louder and—

"Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs."

"The Marauders?" Howard asked, somewhat incredulously. "We get to be the Marauders?"

"They were never referred to as such in canon, but yes. We get to be the Marauders." A rare smile crossed Sheldon's face. He had obviously hoped for a pleasant reaction.

Raj whooped. Leonard looked a little dark. "Have you already assigned the characters?" he asked, knowing the answer.

"Yes. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs." Sheldon pointed at each of them in turn, Howard, Raj, Leonard, and finally himself. "I trust that I do not have to explain my reasons."

"I don't really want to know your reasons," Leonard said, "but why do you get to be James?"

"Yeah, James is this total ladykiller. I mean, no offense, but I think I'd be better," Howard began.

"You?" Raj shrieked. "Excuse me, but I am the exotic, good-looking one! I'm also the only one who's athletic, and James was the star Chaser!"

"James is tall," Sheldon said over their argument. They paused and looked at him. "Tall and thin, which describes my build rather well."

"But he wears glasses—" Leonard tried.

"Irrelevant. I am capable of wearing glasses, but you are not capable of increasing your height in a realistic manner. The same goes for Howard, and Raj, James is described as being fairly pale." Sheldon crossed his arms in a childish gesture.

They all knew it was pointless to argue with him.

* * *

It was the next night, which happened to be Chinese Food and Vintage Video Game Night, when Howard suggested it. He was losing horribly at Dr. Mario when he turned to Raj and said, "You know, this Marauder thing would be considerably cooler if we had a Lily."

Raj nodded. "We could ask Penny."

"That's a great idea!" Leonard said enthusiastically.

Sheldon considered, resting his head on the palm of his hand. "Certainly it would increase our chances of winning the contest, but I do see one problem."

"What problem?" challenged Howard, shifting his hips and cocking his head into what he deemed a fighting stance.

"Who's going to ask her?"

Slowly, all eyes turned to Leonard.

_Knock-knock-knock-knock._

Penny opened the door, all bright eyes and booty shorts. She tossed her blonde hair, and Leonard nearly turned around. He steeled himself, however, as she said, "Leonard! What a surprise! What do you want?"

"What makes you think that I  _want_ anything?" he asked, affronted.

She gave him a Look with a capital L. He cleared his throat. "We wanted to know if you would do us the honor of being our Lily Evans for the Harry Potter costume party next Friday at eight p.m.," Leonard recited, his eyes betraying his nerves.

Penny pursed her lips and hemmed. "Sweetie, it's not that I don't  _want_ to—"

"No, I have a feeling that's exactly what it is," he said quietly, looking down.

"—but some of us have, you know... _lives_ , and work and stuff. You know, where I have to act like a normal human being." He couldn't pretend that didn't hurt.

"So you have work?"

"No...but Friday is Penny's Party Night! Have fun," she told him, closing the door gently. He groaned.

The remaining three looked up as he re-entered 4A. "Ah, Leonard. I suppose you failed?" Sheldon said pleasantly, tapping his fingers. Leonard let his glare serve for a response. "I expected as much. Howard, you're next."

"Oh please, like any woman can say no to  _this_ ," he said with confidence, popping his collar. Raj's lips twitched.

They waited less than a minute for Howard's return. He slumped back into the room, pouting. "She slammed the door in my face!"

"Mm, also as expected," Sheldon said. "Raj?"

Raj looked around, then nodded. His breathing was noticeably heavier as he left the room. It took even less time for him to return than it had for Howard.

"Dude! I can't talk to women!"

"We know," they answered simultaneously.

"What did she say to you?" Howard's wounded pride inquired.

Raj shrugged. "Mostly she just pinched me on the cheek and told me I was 'such a cutie'." His friend swore under his breath.

Sheldon rose from his spot, looking up at the ceiling as if about to make a heroic sacrifice. "I knew it would come to this. I may be a while. Penny is a tough negotiator." He stalked dramatically to the door. The other three exchanged glances and sighs before turning on the television. It really might take a while.

 _Knock knock knock._  "Penny."

 _Knock knock knock._  "Penny."

 _Knock knock knock._  "Pen—"

She opened the door. "Ny," he finished, hand still held in a knocking position. Penny's mouth smiled.

"I think I can guess what this is about," she said dryly.

"Oh, good. I may skip my preface." Sheldon made his way into the apartment. "If you agree to participate...I will be willing to buy you shoes."

"Are you...bribing me?" she asked, mouth dropping.

"It is not bribery, it is payment," he corrected, staring her down. The tension was palpable. "Would that be sufficient compensation?"

Penny took a seat on the couch, patting the space next to her. He sat cautiously. "Let's talk business, babe."

Fifteen minutes later, he opened the door to 4A. "Ah, the sweet taste of success." He scooted back into his spot, not noticing the shocked stares of his three friends.

"How—how did you—" Raj managed, blinking furiously.

"I'm sorry, I'm not at liberty to discuss that with you," Sheldon replied, smirking.

Howard made a noise that could only be described as a giggle. "These thoughts I'm having are so wrong. But so, so right."

"Seriously, what did you do?" Leonard said, pressing his lips together so tightly that they nearly turned white.

Sheldon only sighed and changed the channel.

* * *

That Sunday afternoon, the Supreme Overlord declared an official meeting of their cosplay team. He also banished Leonard from the living room until the meeting's commencement, so he was as surprised as everybody else to discover the pile of costume pieces covering the couch.

"This is almost  _messy_ ," Howard said with awe. "Isn't that against, like, the Church of Sheldon?"

He huffed. "It is not messy, it was simply the easiest way to organize this. Robes take up a lot of room, you know."

Penny made her entrance a couple of minutes later, and began to paw through her stack. Sheldon had thought of everything, it seemed, and she was visibly creeped out that everything seemed to be the right size. "Hey, what is this?" she asked suddenly, holding up a bottle.

Sheldon, who was attempting to explain to them the difference between the canon uniforms and those used in the non-canonical movies, paused. "It is a bottle of hair dye. Surely you are familiar with the concept?"

"Why is there a bottle of hair dye in my stuff?"

Raj cringed. Leonard became very well acquainted with the floor. Howard whistled.

"Because you are required to dye your hair. We can't have a blonde Lily Evans. That would be silly." He sent her a look that could only be described as "insufferable".

"I'm not dyeing my hair." Penny crossed her arms.

He glared at her. She glared right back.

"Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali...we need a minute," Sheldon said, his eyes still locked on Penny in a sort of eternal death glare. The three left quickly, afraid for their lives.

"You are going to dye your hair," he said, almost chanting.

She set her jaw. "Oh really? And what would persuade me to do that?"

Sheldon's eye twitched. "What are your conditions?"

"Will you accept them?" she challenged, tossing her hair deliberately.

"I never said that. Tell me your conditions first."

Penny looked him up and down slowly. He swallowed. "You," she said carefully, a smile flitting around her lips, "you will let me take you shopping. You will buy me shoes like we talked about and then... _and then_...you'll buy at least three outfits for yourself that I pick out. And you will wear them."

Sheldon balked, drawing himself up to an even fuller height. "Oh, come on, I'm a grown m—"

"You will wear them," she pronounced once more.

His lips trembled with rage, but he took a deep, calming breath. "And you will dye your hair, wear the clothes that I chose, and be nothing short of  _jubilant_  to be our Lily."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

They shook on it.

"What do you think they're doing in there?" Raj whispered, his voice betraying a mix of eagerness and anxiety. Leonard glanced at him.

"I dunno. He's probably discussing the terms of the contract or whatever. However he got her to agree to do this." He scratched his stubble with one finger.

"You wanna know what I think they're doing in there?" Howard asked in a lascivious tone.

" _No_."

The door swung open, and the three friends cringed guiltily back. "We have reconciled our differences. Penny has agreed to color her hair."

They filed back into 4A like schoolboys. Penny was sitting on the middle seat of the couch, refolding a pair of slacks. Her eyes were terribly triumphant for somebody who had supposedly lost the battle.

"Okay, guys," she said, spreading her hands wide. "Tell me everything. I'm gonna be the best Lily Evans you've ever seen."

Raj, Howard, and Leonard exchanged looks of import. Sheldon sat down primly next to the suddenly enthusiastic woman. Leonard found his way into the armchair. "Well, okay, you're very bright..."

"Kind of feisty," Howard put in.

"Yeah, you've got a temper."

"Ooh, excellent," Penny breathed, leaning forward in her seat. "Okay, what else?"

"You're Muggleborn. That means—"

"Thank you, Sheldon, I've seen  _some_  of the movies, I know what a Muggle is. So I'm the only magic one in my family?"

They nodded. "And what's, you know, my relationship to each of you?" she asked, reaching for the notepad Sheldon offered her. "I mean, we go to school together, right?"

"Yeah. Um, well, a lot of it isn't really established much in canon—" Leonard began.

"Just give me your best guesses." Penny tucked the pen behind her ear. Sheldon averted his eyes pointedly.

"Okay...well, you and Remus get along really well, that's pretty much established," Leonard said, looking at Howard. Penny scribbled something. "You guys are probably friends at this point, or at least you don't, you know, hate him. Uh...there's not really much said about your relationship with Sirius—that's me, by the way—but I'm guessing that you just kind of deal with each other. Same deal with Peter, probably. You might feel a little sorry for him, too."

"And James?" she asked, through the pen in her mouth. Sheldon looked even more disgusted.

"You think that he's an arrogant toerag?"

Penny grinned suddenly. "Oh, you guys. Typecasting isn't nice." She wrote for a few more seconds, and then capped the pen. "Okay, that'll do for now." She sashayed out of the apartment. Sheldon began tidying up the stacks of clothes.

"Dude," Raj said quietly, "do you think she knows that they get married?"

Leonard turned very pale.


	2. Part Two: The Execution

The next few days after Penny agreed to be their Lily Evans were, rather surprisingly, uneventful. Sheldon was a bit crazier than usual, Penny's presence around 4A was a bit more noticeable, and Leonard was quite a bit more confused about, well, everything, but nothing occurred that could really be considered major.

On Thursday night, everything changed when Penny invaded the apartment.

"I need to dye my hair" was the only reason she gave as she strode into their bathroom. Leonard gaped like a fish; Sheldon sputtered. A second after she disappeared, they dashed after her. She was already setting up her  _toilette_ , the contents of the dye box strewn on the floor, with brushes and towels nearby.

"Penny, if I may..." Sheldon began, casting a disapproving glance down on her and her assortment of tools, "why are you dyeing  _your_  hair in  _our_  bathroom?" Leonard did not dare to say anything—he seemed to be concerned that this would prove to be another epic battle between the forces of his roommate and their neighbor.

"So that you guys can help me," she said, in a perky voice. "I mean, unless it's 'too much' for your brilliant minds."

She knew just how to play Sheldon. He looked down at her. "Well, of course not. Why do you require assistance? I have observed your hair color changing many times before."

"Okay, first off, I only get highlights," Penny corrected, looking down at the instructions. "Second, I go to the salon for that. I haven't dyed my hair myself since I was sixteen...and it didn't exactly go well then. So you guys get to help me!"

"What do you need?" Leonard asked awkwardly. She held out the instructions and he took them. "Okay, well, this looks pretty simple. I have to warn you, though, we haven't done anything like this before. Well, I haven't, anyway."

"Neither have I," Sheldon said, peering over his shoulder. "However, it should be quite elementary for a physicist of my caliber."

He was proven wrong within five minutes. If somebody had been standing outside the bathroom door, this is a sampling of what they might have heard:

"Sheldon, I need to wear the gloves. You're not even helping!"

"There are gloves within that drawer."

"What drawer?"

"The one labeled 'gloves', naturally."

"Okay, when should I rinse?"

"Um...five minutes ago."

"Leonard!"

"I was trying to scrub this junk off my hands!"

"Oh, Lord, it'll take hours to scrub this off of the floor."

"The floor? I'm worried about my hair!"

"Okay, guys, we need to just chill."

" _Chill_? Are you suggesting that we relax? Leonard, we are in a crisis state!"

"Yeah, what he said!"

Eventually, the three emerged, bedraggled; Leonard still rubbing his hands nervously, Sheldon muttering about the floor, and Penny running a hand compulsively through her hair. "How does it look?"

"Wet," Leonard replied concisely, laughing at his own joke. She shoved him.

Penny insisted that, since they were the ones who put her through the hair-dyeing ordeal, she should pick the television show. Sheldon did not find  _Say Yes To The Dress_  to be appropriate entertainment, but conceded that it was preferable to  _Jersey Shore_. They watched two episodes before she ran to the mirror.

"I am the hottest redhead ever," she declared as she returned. She turned around like a model on the runway, working her stuff so that they could see. Even in her ratty old clothes, she was undeniably attractive. Leonard smiled unconsciously; Sheldon gave a nod of approval.

"You will be an acceptable Lily Evans," he said mildly.

"Better than acceptable. Fantastic," Leonard put in. She beamed.

Sheldon glanced back at the television. "Does this mean that you will leave us in peace, now?"

"'Scuse me, but there's a marathon on." Penny scooted back into the middle seat and leaned back. Her life was awesome.

* * *

"Wolowitz, this is not a fanfiction that could be assumed to have been created on drugs!" Sheldon screeched after the fifteenth inappropriate werewolf joke out of a certain engineer's mouth.

Howard made a face and cast his eyes downward. "It'd pretty much have to be for  _you_  to be James Potter," he said to the floor, not daring to face Sheldon. The other man "hmphed" and continued with his expository rambling. Friday afternoon had found Sheldon in full-on lecture mode. A sort of nervous energy seemed to permeate the air, although his words were drier than most mummies.

"You look awesome, Penny," Leonard said quietly, smiling earnestly.

She sent him a genuine smile, tossing her long red hair over one shoulder. "Thanks! You look good. Can you...see okay?" His glasses had been removed—as usual, Sheldon was nothing if not exacting in his standards. Leonard nodded hesitantly.

Raj was looking down at his clothes glumly. "Peter Pettigrew sucks," he complained to Howard, who merely shrugged his shoulders in his torn robes.

"It is time to leave," Sheldon said, a quick smile peeking over his lips.

"Can't we be, you know, fashionably late, just this once?" Howard asked, smoothing his hair. Penny made a noise akin to a snort. Sheldon glared at both of them.

"Oh, yes. It is certainly _fashionable_ to miss the beginning of tonight's festivities and possibly jeopardize our chances at intimidating the competition." His tone was, of course, entirely condescending.

"I thought this was a judged thing?" Penny said, twirling a bit of hair around her finger. She obviously enjoyed her new color.

"It is," Sheldon replied. Leonard sighed.

"Then why does it matter if we scare the other people off? Best costumes, we win. Bam." She popped her gum.

"Take that gum out of your mouth, Penny. Lily Evans does not chew gum."

"Well, you know what? James Potter doesn't call Lily Evans 'Penny'!." She stuck her tongue out at him.

His lips tightened. "Oh, very mature. All right. Take that gum out of your mouth,  _Evans._ "

She put a hand on her hip. "I thought you would call me Lily, Potter."

"Order of the Phoenix, chapter twenty-eight," Sheldon recited, smirking.

Penny opened her mouth and closed it again. "Fine. You know what, let's just go." She spit out her gum and threw it in the trash can without a wrapper. Sheldon shuddered.

The other three had watched this exchange with a combination of fear and awe. They fell into a sort of line, Sheldon leading, as they descended the stairs. Leonard nudged Penny, a signal that he was trying to take her aside. She, noticing this, dropped back, so that the pair made up the "caboose".

He cleared his throat. "Um...we just wanted to make sure that you knew everything about your character."

Penny smiled. "Okay, what is it?"

Leonard grimaced. "Well...you...your character, Lily..."

Howard turned, and said over his shoulder, "You end up marrying Mr. Arrogant Toerag."

The three men shrunk as if expecting her to combust, but she just blinked at them. "Um, yeah." Catching sight of their expressions, she elaborated. "Wikipedia. I'm an actress, I'm not going into this with just what you guys tell me about my character. Puh-lease."

Nobody seemed to know whether to take offense at this or not.

"So...you don't mind? Marrying Sheldon?" Howard asked, obviously ready with a comeback. Raj snickered in anticipation.

Her lip curled. "Grow up, Howard. I'm not 'marrying Sheldon', my character just happens to end up marrying his character at some point in the future. Trust me, I've had some pretty icky costars. Let me tell ya, some of them could have made Sheldon look like Superman."

"Wow," he said reverently. "I have got to get into the acting business."

Penny drove, since Leonard's license only included driving with the aid of prescriptive lenses. Naturally, Sheldon took the front seat, so the rest of the group was packed into the backseat and forced to listen to the front two bicker.

"I know, check engine light," she said automatically as she buckled her seat belt.

Sheldon almost smiled. "Very good, Penny!"

"Do  _not_  talk down to me."

"Condescend."

"I know the word!" Penny honked at a passing car, although whether they had actually committed an offense was unclear to the backseat passengers.

"I was simply attempting to increase your vocabulary—" he began, in a tone that might have made someone who never had to deal with him feel bad. Penny simply glared. "Now, that's just dangerous. If you take your eyes off the road—"

Raj leaned over to tell Leonard and Howard, "I feel like I'm listening to my parents fighting."

They nodded, eyes wide. Leonard smiled weakly, obviously trying to see reason. "Well, I think this disproves any romantic hypotheses. If they're like this now, imagine if they were actually, you know..."

"I'm seeing a whole lot of anger needing to go somewhere," Howard mused, raising a single eyebrow.

"And Penny obviously wouldn't, you know..."

Raj made a face and leaned in closer. "Don't you guys remember? Lily said that she'd rather date the giant squid with James. Three years later, boom, they're married."

"Yeah, I was always a little unclear on how that happened. I mean, she was a total babe, it's not like she couldn't do any better. James Potter is pretty much a legend, but—"

"Dude! He changed for her! And she slowly started to see the wonderful person that he was inside, and they went on all kinds of accidental adventures and talked to a fortune teller and..." Raj trailed off, seeing the looks on their faces. "Okay, so I read fanfiction. Is that a crime?"

Leonard shook his head and stared out the window. Howard began to regale them with ideas about the girls that could be there, and what they could be wearing ("And I'm just saying, a sexed-up McGonagall...rrr-awr...") as Raj listened appreciatively. Penny and Sheldon stayed locked in their little world until she finally parked the car. "Okay, fine, whatever," she said to his last remark. "Let's just go."

They did.

The party was surprisingly big—obviously, the introduction of Harry Potter cosplay was wise on Stuart's part. They had only been standing around awkwardly for a minute when Howard nudged Raj. "Look at that hottie! I wonder who she's supposed to be?"

"Romilda Vane, I think," Leonard said slowly, squinting. If he tilted his head  _just_  right, he could almost see, kind of.

"She can slip me a love potion anytime," Howard murmured. "Hey, look, she's got a friend!"

"The shorter person next to her?"

"Yeah." He turned and grinned. "Come with me."

"Me?" Leonard was taken aback.

"Yes,  _you_. Sheldon's a freak and Raj hasn't even taken his first drink yet. Come on." Howard gestured. Leonard visibly considered, then nodded. Raj waved goodbye as they walked away.

"Sooo, you like alpha males?" Howard drawled to "Romilda", wiggling his eyebrows so hard that it was entirely possible they would fall off. "'Cause I'm the leader of the pack, baby."

She giggled uproariously, the glass in her hand shaking. Her friend looked at her and pursed her lips. "No more for you, honey pie. Hey," she said, now addressing Leonard. "I'm Carrie." Her voice was low and melodious, with just the touch of an accent that he couldn't place.

"Leonard." He shook her hand. "But tonight, I'm...well, I'm Sirius Black."

She cracked a smile. "Lovely. I'm Hannah Abbott."

"Relatively obscure. You must be a pretty serious fan," Leonard observed.

Carrie shrugged. "Well, I've always kind of had a thing for bespectacled boys."

"Really?"

She blinked. "Um, yes?"

Leonard grinned. "I...wear glasses. I mean, not now, obviously. Because Sirius doesn't wear glasses."

"So contacts," she said.

"Actually, no. I hate contacts. I'm just, uh, going into this whole thing blind. Needless to say, I don't think I'm going to be drinking tonight." He laughed.

"Wow, that's dedication." She took a dainty sip of her drink.

He scratched his face. "Yeah, well...the group I'm with is really...uh..."

"I saw Mr. Werewolf over there," she said wryly, jerking her head to indicate where Howard was whispering something into "Romilda"'s ear, something that was making her turn even more red and laugh even harder.

Leonard cringed. "And he might actually be one of the most normal."

"Oh, wow."

"Yeah..."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Raj was on his second (or perhaps third, or fourth—who really kept track, anyway?) drink. "I can't believe that they just ditched us like that," he complained, collapsing further into his chair. Penny shot him a sympathetic glance.

"Their lack of loyalty  _is_  remarkable," Sheldon commented. "My apologies, Raj, perhaps one of that pair should have been Wormtail."

"That's the one who was the rat all along, right?" Penny asked, tapping her fingers on the table. Sheldon looked at her, nodding slowly with deep approval.

Raj sighed. "Yeah, well, maybe if you had picked someone else to be Wormtail, my life would suck a little less. Seriously, what girl would want to be picked up at a party by Peter-freaking-Pettigrew?" He spread his arms in an exaggerated gesture.

Sheldon frowned. "You needn't say it like that. It isn't as if procuring a mate is the objective of this excursion."

The astronomer grumbled. "Yeah, maybe not for you! I think that objective was already met!" With those words, he staggered off, presumably to "procure a mate".

Sheldon furrowed his brow, obviously puzzled. "What do you suppose he meant by that?"

Penny was looking to the side, apparently fascinated by a display of  _Captain Marvel_  comics. "Oh, I don't know, Sheldon. You know what, I think you can just put that up to his...oh, how would you say it...'advanced state of inebriation'."

This explanation seemed to placate him, and the subject was dropped.

Within a minute, Raj, Leonard, and Howard came galumphing back like war heroes, each with a maiden (well, a woman) on his arm. "I'd like you all to meet May," Howard said grandly, holding his drunken prize out to his companions.

She elbowed him gently, giggling again. "Ro- _mil_ -da," she corrected.

"Right, Romilda. She likes role-playing," he added in a stage whisper. Penny appeared to be in physical pain.

Leonard, who was a great deal more sober and socially conscious, introduced Carrie, and then Raj took the floor. "This is  _Barb_  and she is suh-moking hot!" Barb gave an exaggerated wink at this.

"It's, uh...lovely to meet all of you," Penny said. She turned to Sheldon and muttered, "I need a freakin' drink."

"What do you expect me to do about that?" His expression was genuinely quizzical.

She heaved a sigh. "Go get me a—whatever."

He considered. "Very well, I suppose it is part of my duties for the night." So, Sheldon disappeared into the crowd to find the firewhiskey bar. Penny's mouth dropped, as if she couldn't believe that had worked.

"So, you're Lily?" Carrie said suddenly, giving her a quick smile. "And the man who just went to get your drink must be James."

"Yeah," Penny replied, still a bit disoriented.

Carrie made a noise and clutched Leonard's arm a little tighter. "Oh, that's so sweet! I think that couple cosplay is adorable."

"We're not—" Penny began.

"They're not—" Leonard tried.

"Am I the only one here who thinks that Daniel Radcliffe is really, really hot?" May/Romilda interrupted, at a louder volume than was really necessary. "Can I take off my shoes? Awesome." She proceeded to remove her heels, shoving them under the table.

Howard grinned widely. "No, I always thought that if I ever...you know, decided to 'play for the other team'...I mean, yeah." She giggled and swatted at him. Leonard looked to the sky for guidance, but found only coffee stains on the ceiling.

Sheldon returned, a drink in each hand, looking strangely out-of-place as he shouldered his way through the crowd. "Penny," he said, setting her drink in front of her. She looked at him.

"It's water."

"Yes," he replied slowly, quirking an eyebrow at her.

"I meant that I wanted something...alcoholic." Penny sighed and sipped the water.

"You should have been more specific," he scolded. "You should not drink alcohol at this temperature, anyway. Due to the less-than-adequate ventilation and poor air conditioning of this building, as well as the high occupancy, the warmth is excessive. You will become sweaty, and you must replace your fluids."

"Alcohol's a fluid," she replied, looking over the crowd for the drink table.

"Yes, but it doesn't work that way. Due to—"

"Okay, fine, whatever."

Sheldon looked at her pointedly.

" _Thank you_ ," she added, and he gave her a small smile.

"Does anybody want to get a tattoo with me?" May/Romilda asked, wiggling her eyebrows and showing her teeth. Howard opened his mouth to response; Penny stood up.

"Screw this, I need some alcohol after all," she muttered, and took her leave.


	3. Part Three: The Conclusion

"Lily Evans, I presume?"

An acne-riddled man stood near the table, wearing a set of foreboding black robes. Penny looked up from her drink.

Howard and May/Romilda had, most troublingly, disappeared. About fifteen minutes earlier, Stuart had dropped by the table and let them know that Wizard Rock karaoke had started. Carrie had downed her drink in an instant and scurried up to the stage for a belted rendition of "Prefects Are Hot". Raj and Leonard had cheered wildly, encouraging her to move on to a whole range of songs that the firewhiskey gave her the courage to sing. Barb seemed to have become somewhat fed up with Raj, and ditched him for a Roger Davies in the corner.

"Mmyeah," she said in response, looking back down at the table. Sheldon had reluctantly agreed to have a firewhiskey with her ("for the sake of the integrity of my cosplay"), but had only managed to drink half of it, thus far. Her two empty cups lay on the table, perhaps signaling her desperation to Acne Man.

Acne Man smiled, the kind of smile dripping with more grease than most fried chicken. Sheldon stiffened, even more than usual, until he resembled a plank of wood more than a human being.

"Please leave us alone," Sheldon said, over-enunciating each syllable with obvious irritation.

"Let me guess, you're her James. Couple cosplay, oh so sweet," the man drawled.

Penny's eyes flashed, but she didn't correct him. "And who are you?" she asked, draining the rest of her drink as if to signal that she meant  _business_.

Acne Man lifted his eyebrows slowly. "Tonight, I'm Professor, Severus, Snape." He paused between each word; she gagged a bit back into her cup. Wiping her hand with her mouth, she started to respond.

Sheldon beat her to the punch. He snorted, saying, "Oh, please. Do you honestly believe that a non-canonical couple stands a chance against a canonical union ending, ultimately, in marriage, the conception of the titular main character, and a tragic death by each others' sides?"

Penny's eyes bugged slightly. Acne Man swished his cape rather un-impressively. "We can make our own canon," he hissed.

"Oh, God, somebody get me another drink," she moaned under her breath. Carrie finished up her song and moved onto a rousing number by The Whomping Willows.

Howard slid into the last empty seat at the table. "Hey, who's the creep?"

"Some dude trying to steal Penny from Sheldon," Raj said, laughing. "It's hysterical!"

"Okay, guys, you're making this into something it's  _definitely_ —" Penny started, gesturing to her companion across the table.

"That is a one way road to pain and sadness," Leonard said, looking meaningfully at Acne Man. "Penny is a wonderful, independent woman, but if you're not really what she wants she will stomp on your heart, rip it into pieces, and throw it on the ground. You know, theoretically. That's what she would do."

"Look, it's the lady's decision," Acne Man protested, hand on his hip. Penny's eyes narrowed.

"Please leave us alone," she said, echoing Sheldon's earlier words. Sheldon, whose knuckles were rapidly turning white as he gripped the table. Penny sighed and stood up, adjusting her black robes as she did so. "Listen, I'm sure you're a  _wonderful_  person or whatever, but I'm not drunk enough to go for you—actually, I'm not sure I've ever been that drunk—and I don't ditch my friends at parties."

"Unlike certain other people," Sheldon added, with a pointed look at Leonard, who returned to his silent discourse with the Incredible Hulk poster on the wall.

Acne Man glared down at the floor before allowing his eyes to drift slowly up to Penny. "I can teach you how to bewitch the mind, and ensnare the senses," he said, in a voice obviously intended to sound sensual. Raj tittered. "I can show you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even—"

"No."

All heads turned at this. Sheldon had risen to stand just behind Penny, and, for probably the first time in his life, his height looked sort of impressive instead of vaguely awkward. A vein in his neck looked close to bursting, and his eye twitched considerably. "Your offense is threefold. First, you interrupt my pleasant evening, and the experience of consuming a decidedly foul but interesting reproduction of a drink from an acclaimed book series. Second, you attempt to draw away the woman who is cosplaying as my future wife—Penny, I am referring to you, here—and continue your pathetic attempts even when she has clearly expressed her disinterest. Finally, you desecrate this gathering with your disgusting interpretation of Severus Snape. You are unworthy of that monologue."

The room seemed to fall silent, although Carrie screeched on. Acne Man laughed. "Is this guy for real?"

"You are not Alan Rickman," Sheldon hissed. Penny looked at him with a mixture of amusement and fondness.

Leonard stood to join them. "I hate to say it, but Sheldon's right. Leave us alone."

"Or what?" Acne Man jeered.

"Or—or we will have to end this the old-fashioned way!" Raj said with some effort, standing up (although he kept one hand on the table to steady himself).

Howard nodded and rose. "Yeah, don't make me go all...Fenrir Greyback on you!"

Acne Man raised his open palms in surrender. His eyes betrayed a bit of fear. "Okay, fine, whatever. I'll leave you alone. You're not even the hottest girl at this party."

Penny frowned. "Um, yes I am," she said, in a matter-of-fact tone. All five men surveyed the area and were forced to agree. Acne Man retreated into the crowd, or perhaps the hole in the ground where people like him are formed.

"Hey guys, what's crackin'?" Carrie asked, reappearing at Leonard's side. Her voice was higher than before, tinged with excitement and more than a couple shots.

"I think we just killed that guy," Howard replied, staring down at his hands as if they were magical.

"It was awesome, this stupid man with acne came up and started hitting on Penny, and then we just—well, we didn't  _literally_  kill him, but the effect was...maybe you had to be there," Leonard concluded, looking away with embarrassment.

Raj did a fist-pump and sat back down. "Another round of firewhiskey to celebrate?" he suggested, a roguish grin on his face.

"I don't think you need any more to—" Leonard said, taking his seat as well.

"Drinks on me!" Raj said, interrupting.

"Oh, okay, then."

* * *

One round later, Raj was nearly falling out of his chair, Leonard was grinning widely for no apparent reason, and Howard's unwanted advances on Carrie were becoming more and more overt. Finally, she slung her purse around her shoulder again and got up. She straightened her robes."Guys, I have to go," she said, smiling and slipping a bit of paper into Leonard's hand. His grin became even wider. "It was really nice to meet...all of you. Oh, and tell James and Lily I said bye."

"What do you mean? You can tell them yourself," Leonard replied, furrowing his brow and laughing a little.

"Uh...it looks like Penny and Sheldon are MIA," Howard said in a low voice, glancing around.

Raj giggled. "What did I tell you?" he asked in a sing-song voice. Carrie sighed and walked away.

Leonard squinted. "I can't see them anywhere."

"Well of  _course_  you can't!" Howard said, making an exaggerated gesture and nearly hitting Raj in the face. "You don't have your...oh...wait a second, wait a second, there they are!" He pointed, toppling Raj's empty cup.

"Dude!"

"Sorry. But seriously, there they are."

The three looked with wonder. Penny and Sheldon were in the midst of the crowd, chatting animatedly and...signing books?

"What," muttered Howard.

"The," supplied Leonard.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeee..."

Raj had blacked out.

Howard patted Leonard on the back. "Leave the fallen behind. We must march on."

"It'll be hard," he said with a bright smile.

They approached the pair carefully, observing them. Everything seemed to be normal, except—

"Is Sheldon actually smiling?" Howard wondered.

—well, except for that.

"Guys!" Penny squealed, her voice hitting a higher register as she greeted them. She had obviously had a couple of drinks, and both Leonard and Howard wondered if they'd been drugged, because her arm was linked with Sheldon's.

"What's...going on?" Leonard asked, obviously trying to sound casual.

Sheldon leaned over and said confidentially, "We are a  _hit_." Penny giggled uproariously at this, signing with flourish another copy of  _Sorcerer's Stone_.

"You would not believe how cool this is!" she exclaimed, as Sheldon greeted the next person in line (there was a line?!). "It's like being a famous actress, you know, like I always wanted, but I didn't even have to learn any lines, do anybody any favors, get plastic surgery..."

"So—let me get this straight," Howard said slowly. "You two are signing as James and Lily Potter, on copies of  _Harry Potter_  books offered to you by drunken nerds?"

She thought about this for a second. "Yep, pretty much."

"Lily, darling, they need your signature now," Sheldon said, turning to her. She nodded and took the book.

"Why didn't I ever think of that?" Howard berated himself. Leonard only looked shell-shocked.

The next person in line moved up, one of the many Harrys attending the party. This one was actually fairly accurate, however, all knobby knees and messy hair, and Sheldon beamed when he caught sight of him.

"Mum, Dad!" Harry said with feeling.

"Oh, Harry," Penny replied, choked up with emotion. Whether that emotion was real or produced—reports vary. She hugged him. Sheldon did not go so far, but he did clap the young man on the back.

"Sign this for me," he begged, holding out a copy of  _Deathly Hallows_. "Sign it for me, so that I can always remember this."

"We're always with you," Sheldon said, signing the book and passing it to Penny.

"We love you," she agreed, returning it to Harry, who thanked her with tears in his eyes.

Leonard stumbled to a chair. "This is just getting way too weird."

Howard snapped his fingers. "I bet we could do this, too!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, they found themselves surrounded by chanting fangirls, their eyes gleaming in the dim lighting. "Kiss...kiss...kiss!" The three companions exchanged looks of worry and slight disgust.

"I think they're coming out of the woodwork," Leonard said, stunned and more than a little bit afraid.

"Maybe there's a factory back there in the ladies' room," suggested a newly roused Raj, who insisted that he had passed out from shock and not alcohol consumption.

Howard shook his head. "Nah, trust me, I would know." The other two stared. "What?"

"We should make a break for it," Raj said, as the fangirls advanced.

"What about Penny and—"

"They can take care of themselves!" interrupted Howard. "Run!"

They did.

* * *

Penny pounded on the door to 4A at five past seven the next morning. Leonard opened the door, entirely bemused. She was dressed already, blouse and mini-skirt, headband holding back her red hair, makeup covering the dark circles under her eyes. "Get out of my way, I need some friggin' coffee."

He moved, and watched silently as she fixed a mug and sat down on the couch. "I'm mad at you, you know," she said by way of explanation. "Leaving us. Taking my car."

"Sorry," he said earnestly, sitting next to her. "We really didn't have a choice."

"I don't want to hear it." She took a healthy swallow of coffee. "Sheldon and I had to take a  _cab_. It took three tries to find one that he'd agree to ride in.  _Three tries_." She jabbed a finger in the air.

"Did you come over just to yell at me?" he asked with downcast eyes. She shook her head, but before she could expand on that, Sheldon emerged from the bedroom, dressed and ready after his Saturday morning Doctor Who ritual. He did not appear surprised to see Penny in the apartment.

"Morning, sweetie," Penny said pleasantly, as he approached them. "Are you ready?"

Leonard frowned. "Ready for what?"

"Penny and I are going shopping," Sheldon informed him, in a far-from-pleased tone. He straightened his T-shirt.

The aforementioned woman cleared her throat. "Enthusiasm?"

"Apologies. Penny and I are going shopping. Yay!" He spread his hands out and did a little awkward skip. She laughed.

"It'll probably take all day," Penny said to Leonard, "so you'll have the apartment to yourself."

"To myself," he echoed. She leaned over and hugged him, pecking him on the cheek platonically.

"All right, let's get this torture over with," Sheldon said impatiently, standing by the door and tapping one foot on the floor. Penny gave him a deadly look. "I mean, shopping, yay!"

They left Leonard sitting in the middle of the apartment. He contemplated for a moment, then grinned. "I've got the apartment to myself. On a Saturday." He walked to the kitchen. "I think I'll watch some Babylon 5!"

He whistled as he fixed himself a drink. Life was good.


End file.
